Dysfunctional Families part 3

Well, my daughter Marie “blew it again”.  She decided to go back to her son and his wife and try to renegotiate a few hours on Sunday evening for that family reunion she was hoping for.  She pointed out to her daughter in law that D-in-Law had a week with her family, wasn’t willing to give 3 hours to her husband’s family, or let grandchildren be with husband’s family either.  Knowing Marie, she was probably just stating a fact, and I know she was begging for a reconsideration by her daughter-in-law of the “not at all” approach to the family reunion.  You don’t point out anything to this young woman.  If you do you’re being “accusatory”, “mean”, and “unfair”.  Marie finally got one hour for the family to visit–lunch at a restaurant on the day when her son’s family would be on their way out of town, and not many of the family were going to be able to make it–work schedules etc.  She was supposed to be happy with that, and stop being “accusatory” and “unfair”.  Marie now feels guilty for “once again sabotaging our relationship” (according to the daughter in law), and really guilty for feeling so angry.  Well, I have to be careful how I talk to Marie, after all she’s MY daughter in law, but I feel for her, and I want more than anything to absolve her of her guilt.  Its her daughter in law who is being unfair, and then trying to deflect that fact by criticizing Marie.  I hope Marie will figure out that no one can make you feel guilty–you make yourself feel guilty.  Often, you’re too hard on yourself.  I know Marie was taught it was wrong to be angry.  I wish I could absolve her of that right now.  A person initially feels anger because in some way they have been hurt.  Marie was treated very unfairly, it hurt, and the anger is just a symptom that things are wrong in the situation.  I hope Marie will stand up to D-in-L one day soon, and I REALLY wish Marie’s son would stand up for his mom–just once.  One of these days Nonni will have to speak some elder wisdom into the whole situation, unless they can figure it out on their own.  They should.



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