I Laughed at the Hound of Heaven

I laughed at  the “Hound of Heaven”

God chasing a human soul

Down the corridors of the years

How quaint?  How droll?

 

I lost God when I grew up

The very idea preposterous

All God is good for

Is controlling the masses

 

I am not one of the masses

I saw through it all

I am the master of my fate

I am the captain of my soul

 

How liberating, how eye-opening

How exhilarating, how breathless

I make my own rules now

I am capable of fine ethics

 

I make my own life better

Pleasure should never be denied

I never use another person

Without their consent implied

 

I’m far too intelligent

No entangling alliances for friends

Together while two have pleasure

Broken bonds when the pleasure ends

 

I will be all that I can be

I’ll be as rich as I can be too

Fame, if it gives me happiness

Achievement will see me through

 

I’ll be the richest and the best

I’ll drain erotic joys to the dregs

Liquor and drugs if they feel good

But not enough to wreck my larger quest

 

I have a doubt now and then

In the small hours I feel a shudder

But there are so many reasons to disbelieve in a maker

I am brilliant in how many I discover

 

I love to argue with believers

They are so unable to defend

Against my brilliant premises

And I can invent arguments without end.

 

Still I am getting older now

The erotic drives have slowed somewhat

I am amazed at how fast the time has gone

It isn’t fair what the years have wrought

 

I’m angry at my ebbing strength

Its one thing over which I can’t rise

Biology, damn biology

I can’t control my inevitable demise

 

So I will live faster and faster

More passion for the time I have left

More comfort, more pleasure, and then

Nothing to leave me bereft

 

Stupid Christians make me so angry

Claiming I must bow to their god

What has he ever done to help me

Should I sacrifice ME to their fraud?

 

I am all there is

I get the time that is left for ME

Sometimes God invades my dreams

But in daylight I realize I’m free

 

Today is all there is

I am but flesh and breath

I will make my own life

I will decide my own death

 

I am the master of my fate

I am the captain of my soul

When it becomes too painful

I will decide when its time to go

 

One day I got the message

A month or two was all that was left

I had a whirlwind four weeks

Then with the bullet I controlled my death

 

Far, far in the darkness I floated

Where in the world was this place?

I wondered what was in the drugs I took

To insure I’d sealed my fate

 

I floated up to a brilliant place

How inviting the music and light

“But have you ever worshipped Jesus?”

I was sure my mind was not right

 

Never! I shouted to no one

I am the captain of my fate

I am the master of my soul

And I kept floating away

 

On and on until the light was but a speck

It was dark and silent like night

It seemed I’d finally stopped drifting

All I could see was the miniscule light

 

I thought I heard the music

But it must have been in my mind

I wanted to again see the people

But all I saw was the tiny light

 

I looked for my arms

I felt for my heel

Nothing was there to see

Nothing was there to feel

 

Then the thirst rose within me

A fire I could feel but not see

I can’t say it was in my body

I could feel no physical me

 

The fire raged within me

It was lonely out here in the dark

I longed for pleasure to sustain me

There wasn’t even a spark

 

I longed for companionship

There was no one for me

I longed for occupation

There was none to be

 

Only silence, darkness and that damn speck of light

I was alone, no one else, only me

No comfort, pleasure or other

I had the one thing I wanted most—ME

 

This cannot go on much longer

The fire within was a blaze

I wanted to go back to the light

And I feared it might be too late

 

I wanted this nightmare to end

I wanted the gun again

I wanted control of my life once more

Control had come to an end.

 

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