Personality disorders

Someone talked to me the other day about a neighbor who complains about little things, swears at them, threatens them and is even rude to their visitors.  They can’t really put a finger on what they have done to provoke the behavior, but they are about to explode.  If you have had a similar experience with someone, it probably helps to remember that this isn’t about you.    This individual may have a personality disorder.  These are people who have a common set of behaviors involving hostility, blaming, playing the victim, making accusations, exaggerating the truth, vindictiveness, etc which can really escalate and get very crazy. You really don’t want to be involved with them at all.  People with these disorders may cause you all kinds of damage, run a distortion campaign against you, cause you legal problems etc.  Any confrontation you have will give them the justification (in their mind) to go all out against you.  Ignore them at all costs, and if that doesn’t work, you may want to consider moving away from the situation.  I’m reminded of the game kids play.  They will do all sorts of provocative things to another child–take their toys, poke them, hit them, make rude remarks, etc.  When the victim finally responds, all the stops come out.  The little provocateur screams bloody murder, accuses the victim of harrassing THEM, feigns injury, tells lies, and feels entirely justified because their victim responded to their initial provocations.  If they can create a big enough scene to get their victim in some sort of trouble with the pertinent authorities, so much the better.  People with a personality disorder play this same kind of game on a grander scale.  You can’t win as they are so good at what they do– you are better off leaving the situation.  (By the way, this game is also played for custody and money in divorce courts from coast to coast.)

One thing you can do is what Jesus taught.  “Pray for your enemies”.  God is still in the miracle business, and when He heals this load of anger, its a miracle indeed.

What is the Unpardonable Sin?

I would say that its unpardonable to commit blasphemy.  I believe blasphemy is pushing away the truth God has shown you because you do not want Him.  Satan didn’t have to have faith.  He was in the presence of God, yet refused to recognize his dependence on God or all He owed God.  He set himself up in rebellion, wanting to be like God. Eve ate the fruit offered by Satan because she wanted to “be like God”, however her sin wasn’t blasphemy because the bible clearly says she was deceived.  In the same way, I would hesitate to call suicide the unpardonable sin, because so often people who are suicidal are in so much pain they aren’t thinking clearly at all.  Blasphemy is an “eyes wide open” kind of sin.  Its going nose to nose with God and saying “I will not serve You”.  There is no confusion, lack of faith or pain involved.  Its just outright defiance, ultimately self serving and ultimate sinful pride.

Does Church Make a Person Better?

I think there are a lot of people going to church to try to make themselves feel better.  Some will be self-righteous to feel better.  Some will be super-legalistic, sure they are ok if they keep a million little rules.  The ones who really know their Lord, who have been touched by Him, who talk to him daily, listen to Him and let Him love them, will in turn love others.  They won’t be perfect, but they will be different and you will see it in the good and loving way they live their lives.  They may or may not be in church, but they will have had a life changing experience with their Lord.

An Unbelieving Spouse

I was saved about 3 years into our marriage.  I think my husband felt betrayed that he was getting something he hadn’t bargained for.  He really didn’t like churches or pastors.  However, he never told me not to go to church.  I followed the advice in Peter’s first epistle.  I just loved my husband and concentrated on being the best Christian woman, wife and mother I could be.  I didn’t nag my husband to go to church with me, and prayed instead.  I did tell him about things I heard in church that seemed really exciting, positive and hopeful–especially things that related to raising children or practical living, but didn’t “preach”.  I took the kids to church with me.  I waited 13 years, and during that time we both grew and so did our marriage.  When my husband finally made the decision to accept Christ, it was through talking to another man whom I’m convinced God had put into his path.  God does the work, we just have to be faithful.  I always loved this verse “For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.”  (I Cor 7:14)  Its a mystery to me exactly what that means.   I believe it generally means God has your spouse in his sight, and He’s got both of you covered, because your marriage makes you “one flesh” and your relationship with Christ makes you and your marriage holy.  Being in that holy marriage kind of singles out your spouse for some special attention from God.

Should a Christian be Baptized?

A Christian asked me if it was necessary to be baptized in order to have forgiveness from God.  I answered in this way:

The Christian faith is in Christ alone.  Jesus forgives our sins, and our purpose is to have a relationship with Him which involves living the kind of life He has already shown us by example–a life of love, service and relationship with God.  The forgiveness is continual–as we realize we have done wrong, we ask forgiveness and receive it.  I liken Baptism to a wedding ceremony.  The relationship already exists, and can be quite deep, but the ceremony is both meaningful and memorable.  It cements the commitment publicly and gives it a date in time.  It makes the relationship legally binding in a covenant. That way during times of trouble and temptation, when doubts creep in, we don’t have to wonder if we really have a relationship with Him, it was made a covenant when we were baptized.  We can point to our baptism and tell the doubts to leave because we are bonded to our Savior by the covenant of Baptism.  Even Jesus was baptized–a thought I find fascinating.  He also felt the need to make his oneness with God public by Baptism.

Politically Correct

Imagine sitting down to tea in a lovely covered patio.  Your host and hostess are chatting amiably, when you notice that an elephant is coming around the corner, and it begins to munch on the potted plants.  You are sure they saw the elephant as soon as you did, and being the diplomat you are, you try to be matter-of-fact.  You ask where they acquired such a beautiful elephant.  Amazingly, they become immediately angry with you and deny the existence of the elephant.  The wife looks distressed, and the host gets in your face, demanding you apologize and admit you are wrong about the elephant.  You are quite shaken, and attempt to say you have no problem with elephants, you are culturally sensitive, and its fine with you if people keep elephants in the garden.  Your host demands the apology again, and insists you have upset his wife by your implication that she is somehow inferior to you in how she runs her house.  Again, you are totally puzzled as to what is going on here, and how can you deny the presence of the elephant who by now is so close you can smell its breath!  Then your host amazes you by again demanding you admit you are wrong in what you saw, apologize for offending his wife, and do it immediately or you will be escorted from the premises.

This is a picture of political correctness.  Not only must you deny what you see, you must apologize for seeing it.  The official denial of its reality leaves you feeling confused.  The punitive response toward your truthfulness may tempt you to compromise your integrity.  In some cases, you may be wondering about your own sanity.  Now if you were in China, the smog may be so bad as to actually obscure your vision enough to make you wonder if you really saw the elephant or if it was just a shadow that looked like one.  But you had better be quiet or you’ll be in the same situation as above.  The smog doesn’t officially exist either.

We Can All Do Something

I am kind of between “volunteer assignments” for a couple of weeks.  Being the type of person who gets bored easily, I started to think about what constructive thing I could do with these several weeks.  I don’t have a lot of money or a lot of talent.  Then I got to thinking about how Mercy Ships needs patient care kits for their patients.  Their patients arrive at the ship with literally nothing more than the clothes they are wearing, so the kinds of things American patients bring to the hospital with them have to be provided by the ship.  To help with this kind of project doesn’t require much.  Articles for the kits are sometimes provided by organizations, but the bags themselves are sometimes hard to come by.  However, if you have time on your hands, you can easily sew a 14-18 inch bag.  There are lots of simple patterns in Walmart for tote bags.  If you want to line your tote, you can, but if you have fairly strong fabric, you can finish off the edge with bias tape or blanket binding, or just hem it.  Handles for your tote can be cord or fabric you have sewed onto the edge of the tote.  You can also make drawstring bags.  Just make them 14 to 18 inches across and deep, sew a hem at the top and thread in some cord.   I just bought enough fabric remnants to make 15 bags.  They cost me an average 60 cents per remnant in the remnant bin at Walmart.  You can decorate your bags any way you like.

If you want to fill your bag, you can put in the little comfort items you yourself like when traveling.  Toothbrush, toothpaste, a bar of soap, comb, hand held mirror, some wet wipes, lip balm, lotion–that sort of thing.  No need to add a towel or wash cloth–those are provided on the ward.  If you want to make a bag for a child, you can decorate it with children’s themes and add a small stuffed toy.

When you are ready, you can mail your bags filled or unfilled to:

Mercy Ships   P.O. Box 2020   Garden Valley, TX  75771

This could also be a great idea for a group project–or a scavenger hunt to get the “filler” items.  We can all do something.  Meanwhile, check out the website www.mercyships.org.

Prodigal Children

What is a prodigal child?  Its that one who just marches to his or her own drummer, who insists on always doing things their own way, even when they pay a painful price for it.  Its the one who marches up fools hill with much bravado because they just have to see for themselves whats up there.  To quote Will Rogers:  Some people can learn from the experiences of others and some just have to touch the electric fence for themselves.

The older I get the more it seems to me the majority of parents have a prodigal child…at least for awhile.  Is there any way to prevent it?  I think not.  It seems the more strict the parents are, the more the prodigal will rebel against their rules.  The more the parents let go of the child, the more the child acts out to get attention.  The more emotionally close the family, the more the prodigal rebels to establish independence and “cut the cord.”  Now I think I have included all kinds of parents, so I’m not sure there’s anything you can do to prevent the rebellion.  You just have to do the best you can to prevent a crackup while they’re still under your roof and you’re still legally responsible for the consequences.

The big break with the prodigal will probably catch you off guard.  If they have been defying your rules for some time they may suddenly announce they are moving in with somebody else.  It will probably be a living situation that concerns you.  Or they may pick a fight, storm off and come back later to pack up their stuff.  This more often occurs if you had once been very close.

Don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from them much.  They are trying to establish their independence and reminders of their recent dependence on you make them uncomfortable.  They may even, for a time, break all contact.  While that will surely break your heart, give it time and don’t give up hope.

Don’t be surprised if they do things that seem to you to be foolish, irresponsible, utterly selfish, or even downright immoral or illegal.  Let them go–if they experience consequences, those are the best teacher of all.  You probably won’t see or hear much from them while they’re doing all their unwise things.  They know how you feel…you taught them well.  Your disapproval, though unspoken, makes them uncomfortable.

In the story Jesus told, the prodigal son was wasting his inheritance on alcohol and prostitutes.  It was foolish, selfish, immoral and illegal.  His rebellion covered all the defiant bases.  The father waited a long time, and there was no communication.  Some of us can identify with that.  That young man had to hit rock bottom.  Then he realized what he’d lost and he repented.  The father, who never gave up hope, welcomed him, and the relationship was restored.

The story Jesus told was ultimately a story about God.  Because all God’s children have been prodigals for a season, He knows how you feel.  Tell Him all about it, and ask Him to protect and care for your child.  You may not know where your child is, but He does.  You may not know whats going on, but He sees it all.  Ask Him to change your child’s heart.  He’s the only one who can do that, and ask him to keep your heart hopeful and loving and free from bitterness.  Only He can do that.  Then follow the example of the father in the story.  Keep watch faithfully, and lovingly until your older and wiser prodigal returns home.  If you have let the Father work in your heart, you’ll be able to extend a heartfelt welcome without bitterness or any desire to say “I told you so.”

A Hard Saying in the Bible

“Work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose”  Phillippians 2:12b,13

Christian theologians and ordinary people have often questioned this verse.  “If salvation is by grace through faith, how can you work out your salvation?”  They may shrug it off as a poor translation, or file it away as a question they’ll ask in heaven, but they don’t have an answer.  If I were writing a bible paraphrase, I think I would substitute the word “live” for the word “work”.  I think in our current English idiom, “live” better communicates the meaning.  “Live out your salvation.”  Salvation is, after all, a holistic concept, beyond the narrow definition of “getting to heaven.”  It certainly includes the concept of a changed life, and  being made over in the image of Christ.  We must be made ready for heaven–certainly God’s work, but done with our cooperation.  If we are saved, we are also saved FOR something.  As an old pastor used to say “if you are only saved for heaven, you might as well drown in baptism.”  We are saved to become more like Christ and we are saved for certain works that God has prepared for us.  Therefore we need to live like it.  We strive to be what He has called us to be and do what He has called us to do.  We “live out our salvation.”

America in its Adolesence

Sometime ago I had written a post about America, as a nation, behaving in much the same way as an individual behaves in adolesence.  Lately, I’ve been reading some relatively recent commentary on American history and learned I’m in good company.  A number of historians are looking at civilizations having life stages similar to that of human beings.  They go through the “new” period where growth encompasses everything, a time of adolescent identity seeking, a season of healthy maturity and then a decline.  There are some exceptions, notably China and India which are some very old cultures undergoing a resurgence, but are they truly the same culture they were or  are witnessing the birth of new cultures in those geographic locations?

America is experiencing the following symptoms of adolesence: it is self-absorbed, it lives in the present, it is hedonistic, and it is still seeking its cultural identity.

America is self-absorbed.  One only has to look at the space given to world news in our media.  To get coverage of world news having any depth or breadth, one has to go to foreign sources.  To the average American, the world is all about us.  America lives in the present.  One has only to look at the national debt to see we have yet to develop an adult view of financial reality.  We want everything now, but we don’t want to pay for it.  We’re hedonistic in that we want the right to do as we please regardless of our own good or the good of society.  And we are still seeking our cultural identity.  We have tried one ideal after the other and haven’t yet synthesized the set of ideals we will live for.  Our latest ideal is “tolerance” which is really a very passive one and is directly linked to the hedonism we’re also involved with.  When any critical thinking is rejected as intolerant you see the adolescent rejection of boundaries.

What will happen?  With individual adolescents, either a slow exposure to reality pushes or a significant emotional event catapults the individual into adulthood.  We’ve had some exposure to reality–terrorism, the weak dollar causing inflation, a long tedious struggle in Iraq, and the housing bust.  We’re being pushed.  God forbid the nation also has a significant emotional event.